There is no such word as SAME

Fear is one of those human traits that has insured the survival of our species. This hardwired emotion has served humankind in one form or another for over half a million years and yet it can be one of the most crippling and difficult emotions to live with. It makes me wonder why, that if we are given genetic imprints of our ancestors, like skin and eye colour, defects of the physical and mental kind, why we are not also given the cure, the solution or the perspective to handle these maladies and illnesses in our gene pool too?

I bet you are wondering what I mean?

Well, what I mean is why don’t we instinctively know how to fix things? Why doesn’t our gene memory remember how my great grandma Alice handled different situations that caused her pain through-out her life and then pass that information on through her genes to those who came after her within her family line ? We may get her affliction, but we don’t get the answers. How terribly unfair.

So this leads me to think that the human expereince is indeed a solitary journey, where only the participant can determine how they handle things that they face within it. Though your grandfather Max may have been the bravest man in World War 2, it does not necessarily mean that you would be too when faced with such a situation and on the flip side if he was a coward and ran for the hills, it does not mean you would also act in such away..

How many times have I heard people say, “Oh, he/she is just like their mother/father..always doing or acting like.. (insert). This is just not the full story. They may have the same illness or even the same traits or emotional hang ups. But what separates them and makes each different within the world is their perception of that problem and how they  are dealing or have dealt  with it.

When it all comes down to it we are really, truly, individuals and unique. Regardless if we look the same, have the same illness, or come from the same gene pool as another.

We should put each and everyone of us on the “Endangered animal list”, because when we die there will never be another that will exactly fill our place within the world. Each of us is that unique!

The word “SAME” should not be used when referring to people. It is bland and it is boring. It is also a lazy way to describe another. The word “SAME” should imo only be used when referring to non – sentient things, like furniture and cars and the like.

Though being “me” Is hard work at times and I find that there are times I want to be the same as everybody else, but I am not sure who this “else” is! To be honest what I really am saying is, that there are times I am scared of just being me! Unique takes courage to actually live it. Maybe that is why so many people use the word “same.” as it makes us feel that we are not alone and not so vulnerable as any endangered species must feel as it fights for its survival.

Categories: journey, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment



Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment


Mervyn Sayer had tried to smile. His sister Rose had insisted on taking a picture for the family album. He had little time to object, before she shuffled the two children by his side and took the snap. The boy, who was known by the name of Max,  Mervyn thought would be around eight,  looked him up and down and in an instant had his number, Loser!  Mervyn had to force the boy to hold his hand for the damn picture that would keep Rose of his back for a while, so he clamped onto the boy’s hand just in-case he ran.  On the other side stood the boys sister Gene, who was a smiley, bouncy child of three. She took his hand and gave it a squeeze and said, “I like you already.” So there it was, the photo of the mismatched trio. Dear God Mervyn thought, I really need a drink!

“Enough Rose! I need to get this damn tie off, it is choking a bloke.” Merv said begging his sister for it to end.

“Mervyn, language! Remember you have to watch your words now. You have children around.”

Mervyn could feel the stare of his sister boring into him,

“Umm, yeah! Sorry! I forgot.”

“Well, you had better unforget.” she said sternly.

“Come children, let’s leave Daddy alone for a while and get some ice-cream.”

She placed the box brownie camera back into her bag, took the children’s hand from his and gave him a knowing look.

“I suggest that you use this time alone to have a good think about what is ahead for you. I do mean think Mervyn! This is not an excuse for you to go to the pub!”

“Stop calling me Mervyn! It’s Merv! You know I hate it. It makes me feel I am in trouble or something!’ He felt the old familiar voice inside say, run!

“Well you usually are!” Rose shot back.

Mervyn felt his face flush red, she knew him well! How in the hell did he find himself in this situation in the first place.

“Rose, I’m here ain’t I? I’m gunna give it my best shot.”

Rose’s face softened and she reached out and loosened his tie

“I know you will, Merv, It just that you’re all that they have now.”

He mustered up the best smile he could to bring ease to her worry.

“It will be ok, sis! I promise,”

Rose smiled back at him but Merv could tell from the lack of twinkle in her eyes that is was just for show.

“Merv, just promise me you just won’t drink. That’s why you lost them in the first place.”

Merv felt the anger rising.

“There were other reasons too Rose! It wasn’t just me. Jenny ran off with them and never even left a note.”

It astounded him that even those who were close to him still could not see that it was because of Jenny’s betrayal that he hit the bottle in the first place.

“She drove me to drink!”

He saw Rose glance down at the children, who were quietly entertaining themselves by pulling faces at each other. When she raised her head, Merv saw that tears were starting to pool in her eyes.

“Mervyn, both you and I know that it had started well before then. It is just that before Jenny, you never let yourself care enough to allow people to witness how bad it had actually become.”

Merv could feel that familiar feeling of shame in the pit of his stomach start to rise. He could taste the bile in his mouth. He needed a drink.

“You had better go and get that ice-cream.”

He wasn’t sure how to say goodbye to the children. Damn! A couple of hours ago he was footloose and fancy free with no ties to the world. Now thanks to the petition of custody that his sister had placed on his behalf had gone through, he was now a father. A father of two small children, whose very sight reminded him of what he had been trying so hard to forget. Their mother!

He reached out and ruffled their hair, which now had been released from their neat and tidy dress hats.

“Be good for your Aunty.”

Little Gene wrinkled her nose. The sun made her eyes squint as she looked up at him.

“Why aren’t you coming? Don’t you like ice cream?”

Max who was used to taking the lead and putting his ten cents worth in decided that Merv was incapable of an answer.

“Don’t worry about him Gene.”

Merv thought he saw him sneer

“He ain’t the type to eat ice cream”

“He ain’t. Why? she said.

“Well for starters I don’t think the shop we are going to sells rum raisin.”

“Maybe he can have banana.”

She looked at Merv

“Do you like banana?”

Before Merv could answer, Max spat in.

“Gene! I said he don’t eat ice cream.”

Max pulled on her arm, causing her to lose balance.

“Let’s go. I want to get out of here.”

Merv raised his eyebrow at Rose, who let out a heavy sigh.

“Nice kid!” he said

“It will take time, Merv. He just has to get to know you. That’s all. He could hear the tremble in her voice.

“I am not cut out for this, Rose.”

“Merv, this is not about you! Anyway what do you think would have happened to them if you never took them in? You’ve done the right thing” She always had faith in him, no matter what happened he thought.

“I will see you at supper.” Rose smiled.

“Merv, please behave.”

With that she ushered the children around and gave Merv a quick peck, turned and walked towards the corner store.

Merv watched after them. He placed his hands in his pockets, lent against the fence and started to flip the loose coins that he felt within.

“Shit how did this happen. What am I going to do?”

He could hear the coins jingle together and he could tell by the sound they made that there was enough for just one beer. He headed down the road. Not sure of where it was going to take him.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: | 1 Comment

The Waiting Game.

I feel like a child counting down the days till Christmas. I have that same nervous excitement. I haven’t felt that for a very long time. I am not sure if I like it though. It seems so foreign and Christmas as a child is all I have to compare it to.

I am afraid as well. If things have gone wrong as the do, I have always had the security that my family are not that far away. I always have had a place to run back to and lick my wounds, recover and go off and do it all again.

This is my first big step at the age of 42 to become an adult. I know how to do drama, sickness, addiction and hiding well, but those things are now well worn and I have come full circle to a place I need to embrace. It is like standing at the bottom of a beautiful mountain and wanting to know what the air feels like from up high. Do I climb to the top and find out for myself or do I take the easy route and say, “I might as well go home, anyway it probably is cold and windy up there and it looks like it is going to rain.”

I think I will start the climb.


Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Bucket List……NOT!

I just want to make it clear. That this adventure that I am about to embark on has nothing to do with any bucket list. I just don’t get what they are about! (Am I wrong to say so?) Also, it sounds to me that I would need some clear idea of what it is I want to achieve through this journey and have a list of things to tick of to say that I am done, I have grown and am ready to return home. ,

That seems to organised for me. Anyway knowing myself as I do, if I did do a list it would have lots crossing outs, addons and clauses which would change with the mood I am in and even have everything or nothing to do with the weather. I am just not capable of following a list. More to the point I would get bored with the effort needed of crossing things out as I went along, actually I am lazy like that too! If bucket lists are supposed to be a secret, personal endeavor, then this would be a big stumbling block for me to dodge. I am a sharer by nature.

Anyway if bucket list are supposed to a personal checklist of things you want to achieve in your life. How come it feels that every man and his dog ticks the last thing of on their list and then decides to write a book about it? With the goal to end up as an inspirational speaker at conventions for free thinking women and men.? I don’t get free thinking in groups…..then there is the book, the chat shows, the angel guides and the movie deal. Has it become a religion? A following of the seekers of self?…..again, I don’t get it.

I don’t get much about stuff like this.
Anyway, I have no bucket list…am I going to survive??

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment


This is me. I am 42. I have had an interesting journey and somehow it has lead me to this day.

What day?

Well this is the day that I have just found out that I will go on an adventure. I have a ticket to visit..well… Europe! God help it!!

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Blog at